Balancing the Yearning for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved many, largely enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Every time I start seeing a potential partner, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, often resulting in lots of heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I want another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle different types of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs in your current state may well change in the future; eventually you might become more decisive and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. One day you might meet a person who provides a life-changing chance to you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and recognize the value of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to deepen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
