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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It irritates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that professional help might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or being seen, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This process will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.